Want/Need

Today we had ballet classes with Chan, I always feel like I learn something new in that class. I will admit I was a bit distracted today, I was thinking about the enormous invoice I received the other day. I don't have the money to pay it all right away and am super worried. More on that later.

   We also had contemporary which I liked even though I am not good at contemporary. I like the fact that a lot of contemporary is not superficial, whereas corps work in a big ballet rarely addresses what is deep inside. Ballet is beautiful, it doesn't show weakness or pain which is what I love about it. It is that ecstasy of perfection that we strive for daily.

    I took the day off from the gym today to give my body a little bit of a break.  I'm sure I'll regret it tomorrow! I also talked to our Artistic Director for a while and he complimented me on how much I have improved since arriving here so long ago. I always wish I would have said so many different things every time I talk to him. I want to say so much more than I actually ever do. His words always make me so much more determined to work  harder, reach further and achieve more.

  

Patricia Barker in The Firebird

Right now I have all this energy because I have so much desire to get to my goal. Every set back is something that makes me want to fight harder and harder. I can feel it in my heart.  I've spent my last four years training here and I have dedicated everything to it. Sweat, blood and tears (and more tears and more tears). I'm not going to give everything away because I just can't pay a bill. This is art, this is life,  I want it so, so, so much. Last year I might have just become more and more depressed worrying about my finances but this year it just makes me angrier, more fiery and determined...